Why I No Longer Live in the US As a Black Woman

My dad texted me yesterday, "Trump won" and I still felt the pain thousands of miles away.

But when I looked up from my phone a wave of gratitude washed over me as I looked around the cafe in Europe. And although I feel for my fellow Americans & family back home, I am grateful to the woman that up and left many years ago.

This is my Blaxit story. The story of learning that the US was not the place for me as a Black woman and honestly, yesterday confirmed that I'm probably never going back.

"They let me get crushed. They let me turn into this monster, and nobody was there for me. And that's when I started opening my eyes and really looking around and seeing the American corporate structure for what it truly was."

Let's begin this story with the time I walked out of my job at a very popular American fashion brand. My parents were so proud of me for getting this awesome job. I was making $60,000 a year living in New York City and I felt like I had made it.

Before taking this job, I had lived in Japan for two years, so I felt like I could handle anything and for the first year, my new fashion job that was amazing. And then year two came around.

I was given my own project. As a young, Black woman I always felt like I had to show up perfectly and make sure nobody had anything to say about my work. I was always combating stereotypes in my head about laziness and incompetence, even if nobody ever said it to me, it was always looming.

So the project began and the work was coming in. More came and I kept taking it. Now for context, not asking for help was something I considered one of my strengths. Well, at a certain point when the deadlines felt like inevitable failure, I just lost my shit and walked out the office.

Luckily this was fashion in New York, a flair for the dramatic was not unacceptable. The next day, I pulled my thoughts together, came back and started telling people the type of help that I needed.

The project (a collaboration with a famous hat designer) turned out beautifully. But when bonus time came around I was in for a surprise.

They told me my bonus was definitely not going to be as good as the year before. I couldn't quite believe it because I had worked so much harder. I was so hurt. I felt unprotected because I was 25-26 years old, working in this big company and it felt like nobody looked out for me. They let me get crushed. They let me turn into this monster, and nobody was there for me and I was being punished for it. And that's when I started opening my eyes and really looking around and seeing the American corporate structure for what it truly was, and in many ways America itself. I looked way up the chain of command and I saw nobody that looked like me, not even close, not even a woman. I also didn't see anyone who was happy.

And I thought to myself, is this what I intend to dedicate my life to?

When I was looking up the chain, there was this diversity line that people like me didn't pass. And I started to think, something about this isn't right. So after a long break up, I left corporate America and I haven't been back since. It's been almost twenty years.

From there, I did a bunch of different jobs, then decided to pack my bags and travel around the world by myself. On this trip I found the love of my life, moved to Europe, and now I live in Budapest, Hungary.

The USA, in every way, in every corner, is trying to tell you that you're not pretty enough, you're not tall enough, you're not smart enough, you're not educated enough. And I am here to tell you that it doesn't have to be that way.

You want to know Why I No Longer Live in the US As a Black Woman? It's because being there held me back from being exactly who I should be. And it is my job from over here to help those of you who are still there find your way through the darkness and be the authentic and true light you are, because we need you. That's how these systems are broken down. We all have our roles and this is mine.